Full Time Freelance: Year 1 Recap

It’s been a while, a long while actually since I, Hussain have written a blog post. I’ve spent a lot of time on my journey away from my site other than updating the photo pages when I can.

This post is a retrospect of this past year. The beginning of last December I left my last day job and went into freelance work full time. Before I was doing both, trying to fit in times to do different gigs, personal or freelance projects. So recently having survived the first year I find it appropriate to give my perspective on things I’ve experienced, learned, pros, cons and where I’m at now moving forward.

To start off, I left my job right before leaving to Art Base in Miami and after filming promotional content for the NFL for the opening of their NFL Experience building in Times Square (Shout out to V!) I was able to get the days off for The NFL gig, but not for the trip to Miami. Ticket was already purchased and it was the first time I was on a plane since I was a child. I felt it was an important experience to have as well as for the networking opportunity. So I left. And when I came back I continued the freelance path off the momentum off the NFL project and the Art Basel experience.

As a freelancer my main gigs I would get were as a photographer, editor and Videographer as I began doing more Music Videos, mostly on my own filming and editing them.

Photography was and still is the main thing I get hired for, whether its a family portrait, studio session or event work. Around the transition from Winter into Spring I consciously have been working to transition into doing more video work, particularly Music Videos. I love photography but as many of you may know my main goal is to be a Film Director, and having more video material is ideal for me. Making that transition so far has been a clear road, but a bumpy one. Working with musicians has brought me to restructure much of how I go about business. I can’t count how many treatments and ideas I’ve had for videos only for the artist to back out for whatever reason (usually once a conversation on budget comes up) and I’ve realized I wasted so much time planning and mapping things out, getting excited only to not have anything to show for it. No money. So quickly I made different approaches when it came to acquire deposits before anything.

In retrospect, I approached things from the perspective of I’m still trying to prove myself and trying to prove to whoever my clients were that I was worthy of the opportunity. And while I felt I was I tried to put my best step forward believing it would come back to me, which was very ignorant of me to think. A lot of people suffer from terrible communication skills, myself at times fail as well. And when conducting business, especially as a freelancer where you speak with fortune 500 companies all the way to the dude on the block who is trying to do music you’ll see just how much communication is required and how often it is lacking.

Through a lot of experiences even up till the day of this post, I’ve learned not every opportunity you have to say yes to. The need to prove myself has diminished a lot, mostly because I’ve worked on giving myself more self validation, confidence and recognizing my own growth. If you don’t respect you’re talents you’ll be more accepting of bullshit. And that’s fine, it’s part of the process sometimes. And for me I got tired of going through the same situations over and over and through trial and error I became smarter and maneuvered much more efficiently.

One of the pros being a freelancer is the ability to create your own schedule. Most can identify that as the obvious plus but that kind of freedom allows you to do so much for yourself. The older I get the more I notice how hard it can be to find time to self analyze. Many don’t and I feel it’s a strong reason why around 30 some feel like they’re missing something or have issues that they’re just now facing because they didn’t tackle those issues at a earlier time. We focus so much on the dollar but not our well being, when we can’t make many dollars if we aren’t well, physically or mentally.

I have so many friends who work 2-3 jobs that they hate. I’m sure everyone has their own issues to tackle but if you have the chance please focus on your own well being, deep seeded things that trouble you. Honestly, if I wasn’t in control of my own work schedule, I’m not sure if I would be able to focus on it the way I’d like. Just remember, no matter what job you have, once you’re not here whether through death or illness they’ll replace you. You are responsible for you health and happiness. It’s power in choice so I just urge you to reclaim it as your own.

Another challenge I’ve run into this year was being organized, especially with scheduling. I’ve never been the most organized person but with being in charge of my schedule I was met with new challenges. Writing things down is way more effective for me personally than typing it in my phone. I began taking more time in prepping things for different projects. Outside of the work I do for freelance I worked on a few personal projects that hopefully you’ll see in 2019. And that was my biggest challenge in 2018. Before when I had a regular job the days of work were more straight forward and the days I can create were more easily laid out.

Freelance has mixed up those days, when it came to writing a script, editing or shooting. It was something that was very difficult for me to overcome an I am still working on being better at it. You may be filming the whole day and then you remember you had something else you have to do, so the time you have t invest in your personal projects at times were very difficult. As I continued on my path the past few months my work intake increased and the days I had set up for shooting personal projects were soon taken up by paid work and I had to take those because we all know how expensive living can be. But, I am not one for excuses and choose to find the solution to being able to juggle things more efficiently. If I have to wake up earlier to get things done sooner in the day to still be able to tackle my own projects, than that’s something I’ll have to do. It’s very easy to lean on excuses but you hold so much more power when you take responsibility, in the good times and bad. Cause if something bad happens and it wasn’t your fault but when everything goes well how can it always be because of you. That’s the ying and yang of life. Taking credit when you win is great but when you lose you have to be able to own up just as much. Excuses take the power of choice and control away from you and places it in the hands of someone else, so be careful when you place blame. It’s much more freeing when you understand that whether good or bad the choice is always yours. And if it ends in a bad outcome, life continues onward, take the experience and apply it so that you grow from it. It only becomes bad once you stay stagnant or ignorant to the issues at hand.

This past year I’ve had the chance to film for companies like Lexus, McDonalds, and The NFL. Got to collaborate with some celebrity faces and some great up and coming artists. A few people have asked me how did I get those gigs? I give the same answer; I’m just a good person to people and I’m talented at what I do. Being talented is great but to truly be the kind of person people want to be around is an invaluable skill. You think I would have gotten these calls and offers If I was a dickhead to people? If I wasn’t a team player? Is your producer stressed out from the day of filming? Be the calm center of the crew that they can lean on. I’m 6’ 5” 260+, if I see you carrying something, it’s in my nature to offer assistance. Those things go a long way. Trust me. But none of that means anything if you suck. But if you’re talented, but humble enough to be a team player, lead when needed, assist when it’s needed, that’s what will get you a long way. There’s a saying i heard recently that I felt was pretty true: You have to at least be 2 of these 3 things: On time, Skilled as hell, and a good person. If you’re late but your a good person and skilled people will work with you, if you are a dick but you’re skilled and deliver all your work on time people will work with you. If you’re all three than you will rise ot the top. It costs nothing to be good to people, and don’t do it with an ulterior motive, people can smell it on you like a bad smell. Shoutout to Vianel, Danielle, Shayna, Flisadam, Ray, Lam and anyone else who has helped me so far. People are watching you when you least expect it, just be the best version of yourself and keep moving forward.

2019 I already have planned out for my personal projects I wish to release so be on the lookout for that. For freelance things are looking great. In the hard times there still isn’t another career that excites me like filmmaking. I’m looking forward to doing more music videos, short films, commercial work, etc. One thing that is a goal of mine is to be a cinematographer for someone else’s project. I’ve only been my own cinematographer so far, so that I can learn, practice and understand more before venturing doing other Director of Photography work.

I’ll try to post more moving into the next year so look forward for more. I have so much more to even say on the topic of freelance work so I may make a follow up to this as well. Any feedback is appreciated as well

  • Hussain Al-Khalil

A Caged Bird's dream

Like a caged bird who's found the key, we often stay in our chambers of fear. 

These tears of sadness become pillows of comfort to stay in the cage. 

I long for the adrenaline to know what it's like to fall so that I will learn how to fly once more. 

Love, Lucie

I've been wanting to cry lately

I've been wanting to cry lately,

You see as a kid tears ran down my eyes so frequently

People always called me a crybaby, but I wasn't soft. Me? When I got mad, like a chain being broken off a gate all my emotions would flood out at the same time.

But the older I got the harder it's been to communicate how I feel

Well see I can't even I say that, when I talk to me, things are understood, I look in the mirror I know who looks back. 

But like a vampire when YOU look in my mirror you see no reflection.

So as I'm asked how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking a zipper forms over my mouth, even my heart muffling what I say.

"I'm good" 

But who's that for? For you who I fear will judge whatever honesty comes out my mouth or for me who tries to put that energy out in hopes it actually one day I will be good.

Happiness, it's so fleeting. It's like a high, it's amazing once it's here but it is so easy for it to disappear. And we spend so much effort trying to find that same feeling, hell any feeling at all.

And now I usually sit back and watch and what I see is that people are searching just like me. For that happiness, that comfortable space to speak without being judged. One that exists outside their own mind. 

And my heart is weighed down by the tears sitting at the bottom of it that I've held in.

And I say again, sometimes I want to cry. But I don't always no why, it's just a feeling. 

As I struggle to find the space of comfort. I just pray I keep the ability to put it down on paper, in a story. In my art to cleanse my soul and for those fleeting moments, I see the Sun blessing me through the gray. 

How many times have I written about the same love? Not Enough

I had a dream about you.

But you weren't you. And I wasn't myself.

We were completely different people. But that bond. That energy.

The things that feel like a magnet attaching myself to you, still existed.

I don't believe in having a past life or a next life on this world but the thought & idea pops in my head now & then. And whenever it does, I wish to find you once again like I did.

And like a TV that dream & idea change to another, to whereever the next life takes me. Takes us.

And in it I pray that again, I am able to find you. What would it be without you. That bottomless pit of Love stored only for you. 

I should enjoy the time with you here & I will but being aware of our mortality only makes me appreciate our time together even more.

How many times have I fallen in love with you before? With your soul & your energy. 

I don't know. 

I've fallen in love with you multiple times in this life & plane of existence already.

And each time I am thankful. 

My soul lifts higher than it did on its own. Air tastes different, the thought of you relays in my mind like my favorite tv show. 

How blessed I am to be with you, life and the after life I do not know where it shall take us, but Lord willing the silver lining between our souls never gets severed and I follow the string back to you. 

The Movie List to End ALL Movie Lists

Over the years, I've mentioned countless fils to people only for them to forget, or to ramble off countless films that are too much to remember all at once. So....this page is a reference for every film I, Hussain feel you should watch, whether to be entertained or for though provoking creativity. 

There is no specific order and I started with some films you (mostly) aren't aware of. It will be updated every so often.

For now just copy and paste the titles i hopes of finding trailers online to se eif you'd like the film, many of them are on netflix. If you think I should add my personal favorites and expand on them let me know!

OldBoy (2003)

Lady Snowblood

Place Beyond the Pines

Requiem for a Dream

Pi

Only God Forgives

Drive (2011)

Newlyweeds

Fright Night (1985)

Train to Busan

It follows

The guest

Jaws

Blue Caprice

What We Do In the Shadows

Under the Shadows

A Girl Walks home alone at night

Babadook

Halloween (1978)

El Topo

Paid in Full

Love Jones

Collateral

Seven Psychopaths

American Werewolf in London

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Scarface

Carlito's Way

The Godfather 1 & II

They Live

Bad Batch

Never too busy

Always some shit to do

Whenever I think I got some time to relax I remind myself of something on my list

Something I forget

But one thing I pride to never forget is you.

You see even in my busy schedule I make sure to spend some quality time, doing nothing, with you. 

I be busy & don't make Time for friends. 

But best believe soon as I finish a gig or get out of work you the first thing I call from my line.

I be running late but my emotions always on time.

Can't get you out of my mind, you've reminded me I can shine. Constantly reminding me I can rhyme. 

Look baby, you mine. Always fine. More than a dime. 

You know your worth. And even with my thirst you wish me well like a wishing well. 

We don't kiss & tell. Business between me & you. If love was a race how could I ever lose?

I love you. Regardless of my time, or what's on my mind I promise to always find time. Locked in my heart it's hard to lose track of you. 

How blessed I must be.  

Enough?

I sit in front of the blank page. 

Ideas rushing through my head.

Moments like this got me feeling undefeated.

I sit & focus on the right idea, eyes dilate and put pen to pad.

But within 3 strokes of ink, shouts from upstairs...

HUSSAIN!!

I need you. 

& so I'm pulled from my creativity to go back to reality.

My mother limps, a smile on her face asking for my help. 

I love her, but from her I've learned a smile is the best mask to hide your pain.

My pops takes his heart medication, back in from a 10 hour shift.

I sit back downstairs, my creativity halted.

Am I doing enough? 

My phone buzzes, a friend calling asking for a favor.

Goes off again & again....and again. A text, call asking for more help.

And I look at my hands, and feel the stiffness in my back. I stand up and say ok.

Back in the lab hours later I walk back to the table only to walk past it and rest my head. 

And shame goes over my body. 

I'm not doing enough. 

And so, I rise again. I finish that script, finish that edit, go and take those pictures. 

But alone at times, my own thoughts becoming my best friends. 

And the cycle continues. 

Was this enough?

To get to the next level, my mind obsessed with the task at hand, the next move to take me where only my mind can see.

I need more time, but where do I find it.

Do I snatch it from the ones that depend on me? For them to suffer while I go into glory.

Do I dull my own light. Carry more weight onto my wings, so much so that I forget how to fly. Or that I could fly. 

All the ideas in my head & not one could give me the answers I wish for. 

Faith is something I hold dear, I tell myself it's all a test, but what if it's one I was destined to fail.

 

Huss D'Griot

Persevere

I sit in a dark corner, mind racing on my next move. 

Notebook in front of me, one light shining.

I'm surrounded. Pressures of the future & the pain of the past sit on each shoulder. 

My mind stuck like a traffic jam, too many thoughts. Keep thinking like that and you'll go crazy.

Moans & groans of pain on the first floor, my family in need.

I jump between holding back and not giving a fuck. The pain sometimes feel too much.

But I can't give up.

You see my father never stopped, his heart did once but he never quit.

My mother wears her scarf to protect her from the negative. Their pain put me in a lead for first.

Sweat & Tears ain't nothing new to me. I drag us all across the finish line, but who's there to congratulate me?

The voices in my head pat me on the back but as I open my eyes they're the only ones to touch my spirit. 

And so I sit. Alone in this corner, I open the windows to be met with the midnight sky. I pray for a better morning but I've learned prayer ain't enough. 

So I go back to my corner and look at that notebook. The traffic jam in my mind clears up. 

"Construction ahead"

Move along there ain't much to see here 

 

 

Faith in Control

I walk through a forest forging my own path. The other paths I saw I knew wouldn't bring me to where I wanted to go. And so I took my staff and swept the bushes and twigs out my way. 

Focused and confident I am in control of my own destiny. Hours turn into days on my path, my confidence slipping in my own decision making.

I thought I knew what to do.

I thought I was in control.

But I wasn't.

I sat down in my own trail, on my knees weeping. Why couldn't I do what I've seen so many others do?

 I lifted my head to the sky and wiped my tears. Both my hands in front my face.

Helpless.

And so, I prayed. I called on Allah to forge the path through me. I spoke allowed asking for his guidance. 

I struggled to get up again, but I did just that. I looked around and saw the tall grass and bushes surrounding me. Not knowing where the "right" way laid.

And so I closed my eyes and said softly, "I am not in control."

And I swung my staff, continuously reminding myself of the truth.

That I'm not in control. None of us are. Yes you have decisions to make but those decisions are easier when you understand your power and lack of it.

The ultimate guide held my hand an swung it for me, carrying my feet one after the other pushing forward. And instead of pain I felt pleasure, the weight on my shoulders floated away. The closer I came to him the closer my destination came clear to me.

Through that unseen jungle I forged a path, but I wasn't alone. I opened my eyes once more to see that my dreams became a reality. I turned around and saw how far I had come. Tears of happiness ran down my face as I looked up beyond the sky. Thankful.

From pain comes pleasure. The pain reminded me where to go to for the ultimate support and soon my true strength that had laid dormant awoken. Out of that jungle I felt stronger than what I was before I had entered. And to train myself I realized it is everlasting strength I receive as my faith becoming stronger. From another plane of existence we've been touched, you just have to remind yourself that the power given to you is stronger than anything you'd make.

Butterly across the Atlantic

The winds blow across the Atlantic, the cocoons in my stomach sprout butterflies, long nested inside they laid dormant.

I wonder who left them there. How blessed is your touch that I didn't notice, or I refused to. 

Your wings flap far across the Atlantic but many things you left for me to remember you by while you are gone. 

How subtle but powerful are the flap of a butterfly's wings. 

MY butterfly's wings.

Travel far and wide, a nest you always have in my heart. 

Oh how the butterflies you've grown in me,  alongside them passion and blessings have sprouted. 

No two butterfly's look the same and how blessed I am to have the greatest one. 

Across the Atlantic you are, only a flap of your wings is how far you really are when I close my eyes and listen to my heart. 

A note in my words that carry on the wind that goes through your wings I know you'll soar on them. 

My butterfly's touch is never too much. 

I can't help but think that the wind that hits my face once started off the flap of these gracious wings and it brings a smile to me.

Afraid of heights...

...my butterfly, she keeps me calm. 

As I rise she rests & as I rest she flies, 

Protecting each other when the other was most fragile.

Blessed be the man who's heart is held in someone else's hands and they choose to protect it instead of put it to the side. 

Kept warm my heart is, in her grasp. 

Thankful and blessed to see the butterfly grow her wings.

 

"Osiris and I discuss drug addictions and social deconstruction"

This Poem is by a friend and colleague Diego Del Pozo.

More to come from him and the Undefeated Losers team. 

 

My dog and I talk about human behaviors, we stay up all night discussing the relationship between people and their drugs of choice; the effects and experiences these substances offer and the genetic predisposition in all animals to find ways to intoxicate themselves. He educates me on how Elephants seek out fermented papaya for a night on the town. Monkeys chew on certain leaves because it gets them high, and tells me how the Over-mind we call God has very few things that make him laugh more than seeing a Koala stare at itself in a pond. Osiris explains to me that the reason our world is the way it is, its because humans removed themselves from nature. He continues on how addicts are called tweakers, and the image he draws is that of a war Veteran facing a broken mirror, each eye fixated on different regrets on his face.

The deaths he carries in the bags under his eyes weigh on His Rattle snake mind,

So he begins Poisoning his self image.

Consuming his thoughts like scissors.

The air hard to breathe. The air raid never ending, bombs so loud he cannot sleep at night. And every day lost in the dark he finds a way to silence his inner critic, he shoots himself up with 20mg of Heroin looking for a savior, trying to escape the battle zone for just a moment. That's the type of war stories told in the hood. Those are the type of unsung heroes that fade into a hum, a mourning at a wake. That's the American machine eating its babies. 

I've been writing down radical ways to get rid of the hood, lower class neighborhoods ridden with drugs, I'm trying to find ways to end the war on the people. 

I wanna drop a Warhead and flatten these street, melt these corners, 

I wanna give acid to the hood.

Dilute their illusions of manhood.

Talking about "the bricks made me 

love the block" brother you're being stepped on and peddled, cooked in a tar black summer heat. You hear the tongue lash, don't you?  Whips, chains, brands, and a gang of niggas slanging that soft white product, its a slave language. Winter is coldest at The Big House but the hoodie blocks your vision; do you see it yet? Do you see the X? That's where a King's dream is hidden. Waiting. Not to be unburied but to be buried into, grown, develop roots back to the motherland.

We need a reset button, a way to start over. We need to love our women

Like they done raised us to be men

Like they done bled for us to live

Like we know they shed their life in tears when we die young, colored, covered in blood like flames cover a bursting star.. Young men unbecoming Gods swallowed by the red and blue lights of a black and white wormhole. 

Brother, are they playing against you or just playing you? For every "bitch" or "snitch" you stitch whose losing? All these years you thought you were angry when you were really just sad. Heartbroken and broke. Harden and sadden. Easy to hear the hunger pain echo through chittering teeth. They laughing at us but we don't get the joke of shattered hoop dreams and dribbling dope. The project is to program you, are you listening the music? The projects program you. 

Revolt, revive, remember we are 

Gods, goddess, kings and queens.

We are a nation Of gods under the God.

He spun the Earth and lit the sun 

He turned the soil in mother's womb.

So fuck you and your oppression! 

We'll soon rage rage rage against the machine and we'll take back Sunday's and Monday's and all the days of our lives they have taken. Animals in cages

Crime and punishment.

Who is the judge?

Read this over, I'll let you be it.

My conversation with the Death Angel

I take a break and look the sky, as it sparks.

My thoughts open through to the clouds and in them I find myself asking questions. Questions bouncing around a rim and the one that goes in and back down to me was this?

If I could talk to anyone ever who would it be?

And of all the multiple choice answers mines was the Angel of Death.

I would ask him he how comprehends the human soul. What he thinks of this world and the people of it. How he feels about his job, his reason of existence.

And as the stream of smoke cleared across my face I saw him. Right in front my face.

The Death Angel.

And I froze. Preparing for what it could be. A brain aneurism? Heart attack? The roof about to collapse on top of me? What was it that chose to take my life for him to appear.

"Let's have a chat."

He walked toward me and sat next to me on my deck stairs in the backyard. 

"You wanted to ask me about something?"

I slowly relaxed.

"How did you know," I said looking into his face. Just a shapeless shadow that covers his face. 

"I heard you. From a distance so I wanted to hear what you had to say a little more closer."

My conscience must've left my body and traveled higher than the clouds and spoke on another plane for a brief second, I must've been laced. 

"Well, what do you think of the human soul? Are we like kids, you chaperoning us back home or something?"

He chuckles.

"The human soul is powerful beyond comprehension. It's power so vast there are only two that know it's true strength. It is to be valued by the owner most important it's self owner--it's meaning of self. Sometimes it too doesn't comprehend the power it has and in turn loses its power. But some can shine bright defining divine light."

I stare at him as he sits there talking so deeply on it. Half of what he says goes right over my head, hoping that it eventually comes back.

"Well, what do you think of this world, the world these mighty souls have created?"

He sits still.

This world is amazing. Was amazing, still is, amazing. But what you must understand is what you call the ying and the yang is severely out of balance. It's a flowing line not a hardened one. Like a wave. The waves are just very strong right now one way.

It happened before and it's gonna continue to for the end of time.

"Well, you gotta constantly come to this world till the end of time. That's just ok with you? That basically is the purpose of your existence."

"Atleast I know what my purpose is in existing"

I can't see his face but if he had eyes they'd be burning a strong stare right into my eyes.

I sit silent.

"But I enjoy my job. If this is one my reason for existence than I am grateful. I've seen all of you. All of existence I've seen the best of you. What you'd consider the worst. I know more about you than you know will ever understand about yourself. Knowing that much for every person ever. That's a special existence."

Wow. This dude is pretty cool.

"What is time? To you."

"Hmmmmmm." 

A pause.

"This conversation for you, may last 5-10 minutes of your life lets say. For me, this is the length of a blink. A casual head nod to a co worker at its longest for me. It stretches and squeezes for us all. Like a slinky."

That somehow made sense to me. He checks his wrist full of clocks, all not ticking.

"You've got anything else?

"Uh, I do but it's all not coming out right now. Just, yeah."

"I understand. We'll talk again"

He stands up and turns toward me.

I say, "Hopefully not too soon."

"For another conversation, hopefully I will before it's time for you. Which if I had to say is get a nice suit in 5 years so you look good."

I stare at him in shock.

"I'm joking. Enjoy your life. There's only of them for us all."

And he walked into the shadows. 

And that what was the first time I saw the Angel of Death. 

But it wouldn't be the last before he carried me away from this existence.

Sisters Vacation pics of Nappa Valley

My big sister Zia and brother in law Steven are currently on vacation and went to California. She sent me a couple pictures from their hot air balloon ride. I've never seen this much green that I can remember, at least not have someone I know personally send a picture directly to me. Figured it was worth posting here for others to see.