Enough?

I sit in front of the blank page. 

Ideas rushing through my head.

Moments like this got me feeling undefeated.

I sit & focus on the right idea, eyes dilate and put pen to pad.

But within 3 strokes of ink, shouts from upstairs...

HUSSAIN!!

I need you. 

& so I'm pulled from my creativity to go back to reality.

My mother limps, a smile on her face asking for my help. 

I love her, but from her I've learned a smile is the best mask to hide your pain.

My pops takes his heart medication, back in from a 10 hour shift.

I sit back downstairs, my creativity halted.

Am I doing enough? 

My phone buzzes, a friend calling asking for a favor.

Goes off again & again....and again. A text, call asking for more help.

And I look at my hands, and feel the stiffness in my back. I stand up and say ok.

Back in the lab hours later I walk back to the table only to walk past it and rest my head. 

And shame goes over my body. 

I'm not doing enough. 

And so, I rise again. I finish that script, finish that edit, go and take those pictures. 

But alone at times, my own thoughts becoming my best friends. 

And the cycle continues. 

Was this enough?

To get to the next level, my mind obsessed with the task at hand, the next move to take me where only my mind can see.

I need more time, but where do I find it.

Do I snatch it from the ones that depend on me? For them to suffer while I go into glory.

Do I dull my own light. Carry more weight onto my wings, so much so that I forget how to fly. Or that I could fly. 

All the ideas in my head & not one could give me the answers I wish for. 

Faith is something I hold dear, I tell myself it's all a test, but what if it's one I was destined to fail.

Huss D'Griot