I've been wanting to cry lately

I've been wanting to cry lately,

You see as a kid tears ran down my eyes so frequently

People always called me a crybaby, but I wasn't soft. Me? When I got mad, like a chain being broken off a gate all my emotions would flood out at the same time.

But the older I got the harder it's been to communicate how I feel

Well see I can't even I say that, when I talk to me, things are understood, I look in the mirror I know who looks back. 

But like a vampire when YOU look in my mirror you see no reflection.

So as I'm asked how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking a zipper forms over my mouth, even my heart muffling what I say.

"I'm good" 

But who's that for? For you who I fear will judge whatever honesty comes out my mouth or for me who tries to put that energy out in hopes it actually one day I will be good.

Happiness, it's so fleeting. It's like a high, it's amazing once it's here but it is so easy for it to disappear. And we spend so much effort trying to find that same feeling, hell any feeling at all.

And now I usually sit back and watch and what I see is that people are searching just like me. For that happiness, that comfortable space to speak without being judged. One that exists outside their own mind. 

And my heart is weighed down by the tears sitting at the bottom of it that I've held in.

And I say again, sometimes I want to cry. But I don't always no why, it's just a feeling. 

As I struggle to find the space of comfort. I just pray I keep the ability to put it down on paper, in a story. In my art to cleanse my soul and for those fleeting moments, I see the Sun blessing me through the gray. 

How many times have I written about the same love? Not Enough

I had a dream about you.

But you weren't you. And I wasn't myself.

We were completely different people. But that bond. That energy.

The things that feel like a magnet attaching myself to you, still existed.

I don't believe in having a past life or a next life on this world but the thought & idea pops in my head now & then. And whenever it does, I wish to find you once again like I did.

And like a TV that dream & idea change to another, to whereever the next life takes me. Takes us.

And in it I pray that again, I am able to find you. What would it be without you. That bottomless pit of Love stored only for you. 

I should enjoy the time with you here & I will but being aware of our mortality only makes me appreciate our time together even more.

How many times have I fallen in love with you before? With your soul & your energy. 

I don't know. 

I've fallen in love with you multiple times in this life & plane of existence already.

And each time I am thankful. 

My soul lifts higher than it did on its own. Air tastes different, the thought of you relays in my mind like my favorite tv show. 

How blessed I am to be with you, life and the after life I do not know where it shall take us, but Lord willing the silver lining between our souls never gets severed and I follow the string back to you. 

Never too busy

Always some shit to do

Whenever I think I got some time to relax I remind myself of something on my list

Something I forget

But one thing I pride to never forget is you.

You see even in my busy schedule I make sure to spend some quality time, doing nothing, with you. 

I be busy & don't make Time for friends. 

But best believe soon as I finish a gig or get out of work you the first thing I call from my line.

I be running late but my emotions always on time.

Can't get you out of my mind, you've reminded me I can shine. Constantly reminding me I can rhyme. 

Look baby, you mine. Always fine. More than a dime. 

You know your worth. And even with my thirst you wish me well like a wishing well. 

We don't kiss & tell. Business between me & you. If love was a race how could I ever lose?

I love you. Regardless of my time, or what's on my mind I promise to always find time. Locked in my heart it's hard to lose track of you. 

How blessed I must be.  

Enough?

I sit in front of the blank page. 

Ideas rushing through my head.

Moments like this got me feeling undefeated.

I sit & focus on the right idea, eyes dilate and put pen to pad.

But within 3 strokes of ink, shouts from upstairs...

HUSSAIN!!

I need you. 

& so I'm pulled from my creativity to go back to reality.

My mother limps, a smile on her face asking for my help. 

I love her, but from her I've learned a smile is the best mask to hide your pain.

My pops takes his heart medication, back in from a 10 hour shift.

I sit back downstairs, my creativity halted.

Am I doing enough? 

My phone buzzes, a friend calling asking for a favor.

Goes off again & again....and again. A text, call asking for more help.

And I look at my hands, and feel the stiffness in my back. I stand up and say ok.

Back in the lab hours later I walk back to the table only to walk past it and rest my head. 

And shame goes over my body. 

I'm not doing enough. 

And so, I rise again. I finish that script, finish that edit, go and take those pictures. 

But alone at times, my own thoughts becoming my best friends. 

And the cycle continues. 

Was this enough?

To get to the next level, my mind obsessed with the task at hand, the next move to take me where only my mind can see.

I need more time, but where do I find it.

Do I snatch it from the ones that depend on me? For them to suffer while I go into glory.

Do I dull my own light. Carry more weight onto my wings, so much so that I forget how to fly. Or that I could fly. 

All the ideas in my head & not one could give me the answers I wish for. 

Faith is something I hold dear, I tell myself it's all a test, but what if it's one I was destined to fail.

 

Huss D'Griot

Persevere

I sit in a dark corner, mind racing on my next move. 

Notebook in front of me, one light shining.

I'm surrounded. Pressures of the future & the pain of the past sit on each shoulder. 

My mind stuck like a traffic jam, too many thoughts. Keep thinking like that and you'll go crazy.

Moans & groans of pain on the first floor, my family in need.

I jump between holding back and not giving a fuck. The pain sometimes feel too much.

But I can't give up.

You see my father never stopped, his heart did once but he never quit.

My mother wears her scarf to protect her from the negative. Their pain put me in a lead for first.

Sweat & Tears ain't nothing new to me. I drag us all across the finish line, but who's there to congratulate me?

The voices in my head pat me on the back but as I open my eyes they're the only ones to touch my spirit. 

And so I sit. Alone in this corner, I open the windows to be met with the midnight sky. I pray for a better morning but I've learned prayer ain't enough. 

So I go back to my corner and look at that notebook. The traffic jam in my mind clears up. 

"Construction ahead"

Move along there ain't much to see here